Create Your Own NEW Reality!
Posted in: Blog, Events, Healthy Lifestyle, Programs, Uncategorized, Upcoming Events, Wellness News by Pamela on December 28, 2011
A man came into my office profoundly fearful of death and his own mortality. He felt surrounded by loss: his parents passed away; a couple of close friends had recently died. Even down-turns at work and hits to his personal finances were losses that deepened his fear and foreboding.
He couldn’t stop crying when he thought about it, which was often. He couldn’t sleep, ate too much and felt lethargic. Everything he did was tempting death: his diet, life style, habits, addictions. He felt physical pain: his cholesterol and blood pressure were high, he was pre-diabetic.
Only in his mid-50s, why suddenly did he feel his life was over? He had children, a wife who loved him, a job.
This is a dark place, one that has plagued human kind from the beginning of time. It is possible, however, with tremendous courage, patience and hard work to turn things around and create a new reality.
This man did it, but how? He took a tough look at himself and his behaviors. He loved to cook, but generally rich foods, high in fat and sugar, and ate lots of red meat. He smoked cigars and drank whisky. He used to be a marathon biker but now was a sloth who had gained 6o pounds. He fought a lot with his wife from whom he felt disconnected and unsupported. He always wanted to be in control and his way was the right way. He yelled at his children and got rough with his boy. This soul-baring self-reflection made him see a man he didn’t know. A man he hated.
He had to change – his life depended on it. But he knew it wasn’t going to happen overnight.
Starting slowly, he cut back on red meat, sugar and fat and relegated his beloved whisky and cigars to special occasions. He put his bike on a stationary stand and did miles in his basement; he picked up his old practices of Tai Chi and meditation. His family: he reconnected; he made a point to ask his wife how her day went – and listened; he apologized to his children when he “lost it” and talked to his family about how upset and disappointed he was at the person he had become. He shared his new hopes and intentions to be a better dad and husband. He was dead serious. Empty words and promises weren’t an option.
Over time his life began to change. The first thing he noticed was he wasn’t always thinking of death. He was thinking of living.
He began to examine his past and how things were growing up in his own family. What emotional patterns and behaviors did he unwittingly perpetuate from previous generations? His ways of thinking and acting: where did they come from?
Through this scrutiny, he got to know himself and began to like himself. He made peace with what he couldn’t change and changed what he could. He became a volunteer fireman and coached his son’s basketball team. He genuinely began to get to know his children and deepen their relationships. He actually started to like his wife and wanted to spend more time with her. He could see her as her own person and not just an object of his unhappiness.
He started to return to the world of being fully human. Certainly he still struggled with his demons, wrestled with his anger, and had to forgive his shame. But he was ready to engage in life and make a positive contribution in the world.
He began living a different reality.
This story is a composite of many men I have seen in my therapy practice. Some do well on their own by changing life choices, others need additional support with medication. If you recognize yourself in this story, you may have already taken that hard look in the mirror and realized the time is now.
Not all stories are as positive in the process. Sadly, individuals get enveloped by their pain and depression and become lost to themselves and their families. They are tragic and faltering souls who have yet to find their way.
He who knows other men is discerning, he who knows himself is intelligent.
He who overcomes others is strong, he who overcomes himself is mighty.
~The Tao Te Ching
May your journey be one of optimum health and ongoing healing, and may the New Year be a New Beginning for an even better life.
Read more by Pamela at http://www.pamelaholtzman.com/pamelas-book/
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In my life I noticed how it is easy to ‘go downhill’ one step at a time until my life is not at all what I wanted to create. In that dark night, it took all my will and strength to turn it around and begin the journey back into the light as a somehow new and different, and hopefully ‘better’ person.